Whatever Happened to Canon?
by A. Smithee
Summary: The unofficial, zany sequel to B Bennett's Chainsmoking Harry.
1. One

Whatever Happened to Canon?

by A. Smithee

Disclaimer: I'm not that good a writer.  You think I could come up with characters like these?  No.  They are the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., etc.

Author's Note: This is the unofficial sequel to "Chainsmoking Harry" by B Bennett.  Check her story out at Sugarquill.net.

**Scene One**

The Three Broomsticks

_(Bill and Charlie are extremely inebriated; Ron and Hermione are fooling around in a corner; Harry is jealous and chain-smoking; Ginny is also drunk and has picked up the habit from her new boyfriend.)_

Bill: Oy, pass me another free beer, Chaz!  It's _free_!

Charlie "Chaz": _(in a drunken slur) _No I won't, you _prat_!  If you drink too much you'll wet yer loincloth … again!  _(He bursts into laughter at the memory.)_

Bill: Just like you just did!  _(Bill also laughs, slightly hacking and spitting.  Presently he passes out, and Charlie quickly follows suit.)_

Ginny: I just can't believe Tom did that to me.  _(Sobbing) _He – he … 

Harry: Yeah, I really know what ya mean.  Wanna go make out?  _(Ginny stares.) _What?  It's only a harmless suggestion.  I can show you what love is, babe.

Ginny: _(under her breath) _Cursed KBTT.

Hermione: Oh, Ron!  Do it again!

Ron: Um, I didn't do anything.

Hermione: Oh – well in that case, _do_ something!

Ron: _(under his breath) _Maybe I should have gone with Harry after all.…

_(Harry races over at these words.)_

Harry: You really _mean_ that, Ron?!

Chaz: _(slightly groggily) _Of course he means it!  Don't ya, Ickle Ronniekins?__

Ron: No.

Harry: Aw, shucks.  _(Chaz passes out again.  Harry lights a cigarette and looks around.) _Maybe that tree would make out with me if I asked it nicely.

(All stare at Harry.)

Hermione: What _are_ you smoking, Harry?

Harry: I don't really know.  A guy sold it to me out back a couple minutes ago.  

Hermione: Oh….  Can I have some?  _(She lights up.  Presently, both Harry and Hermione's eyes are bloodshot and they are arguing about things that Ron doesn't quite follow.)_

Harry:  I can't believe you like the _Backstreet Boys_.  Everything they do is so perfectly choreographed, _including _the way they have sex with each other after the shows!  _(pauses) _Actually, that Howie guy is pretty hot….

Hermione:  Shut up!  Howie's _mine_!  You always want everything that I have: Ron, Howie, Victoria's Secret lingerie, Crookshanks …

Harry:  _(pouts) _I _never _wanted _Crookshanks_!

Ron: That's it!  _(He gets up.) _You two _have_ to stop smoking!  

Harry: _(sullenly) _Oh, yeah?  Who _cares_ if I don't stop?  Who _cares_ if I end up in a gutter in thirty years, drunk and stoned and –

Ron: Don't say that, Harry.  I – _we_ care about you.

Hermione: Well, isn't that something?!  My best friend fools around with me for a minute, only to be picked up by my _other_ best friend!  _(She steals another "cigarette" from Harry and puffs furiously.)  _

Ron: Don't say that, Harry – uh, Hermione.  I, uh, I love you.  I think?

Harry: What is love, anyway?  _(He breaks out into a horrible rendition of "Where is Love?")_

(Ron concentrates, trying to think of a way to get both his friends off the "cigarettes."  He is starting to believe that they are not innocent little sticks of tobacco and paper.)

Harry: "Whe-e-e-e-ere is loooove?"

Hermione: Shut up.  I don't like that song, you prat!  _(She giggles) _Prat.  Prat!  Puh-ratt!  That's a funny word.

(Harry stops singing and looks pleased.)

Harry: I knew I could always make you smile.  Vladimir –

Ron and Hermione: Who?

Harry: – The guy who sold me the pot –

Ron: A_ha!  _They're not cigarettes after all!

Harry: Shut up.  _(To Hermione) _Vladimir has a shed out back – that's where his stash is.  Want me to make you _really_ high?

_(From across the room) _Ginny: You cheating, lying _bastard_!

Madame Rosmerta:  Hey!  Ginny isn't supposed to know that kind of language.  Whatever happened to canon?

Ron: Uh, have you been paying attention at _all _to the last ten minutes?

Hermione:  _(To Harry) _Sure, what the Hell.  _(She giggles.) _Wow, I just swore.  You really get me out of my head, Harry Potter.  _(She takes his hand and they head out back.)_

_(However, Ron figures out this isn't going his way.)_

Ron: Wait!  Hermione, you're _my_ girlfriend!

Hermione: Like … like _Hell_ you are!

Harry:  _(à la Nelson from_ The Simpsons_)  _Ha-ha!  I knew she liked me better!  

(Harry and Hermione walk off to Vladimir's shed, not seeing the tears running down Ron's face.  He thinks for a minute.)

Ron: Uh, Ginny?  I know you're my sister, and I could be arrested for incest and all, but –

Ginny: No chance, Mister.

(Ron pouts again.  Lavender pops up from behind the tree Harry wanted to make out with.)

Lavender:  (Giggling) Hi, Ron!  I always thought you were kinda cute.  Are you desperate enough yet?  I haven't lost my virginity!  (She crosses her fingers behind her back.)

Ron: I think I'm safer with that tree, thanks.

_(Lavender looks disappointed and angrily stalks back to behind her tree.)_


	2. Two

**Scene Two**

Five minutes later

(Harry and Hermione walk back into the Three Broomsticks, stepping over Bill and Chaz who are passed out on the floor.)

Hermione: Harry, no offense but once I got off that high I realized you're … well, let's just say you're not extremely skilled.  I'm sorry, but it's not going to work out between you and me.  I'm going back to Ron.

Harry: But – but _I_ want him!  _(He thinks quickly.) _What do you say to a three-way?

Hermione: _(considers this for a moment)_ Umm … no.  Sorry Harry, but only one of us can have Ron.  Preferably _me_.

Harry: _(angrily) _There's only one way to settle this, Hermione.  

Hermione: _(scathingly) _And what, pray tell, would that be?

Harry:  Hermione Granger, I challenge you to a duel!

(At these words, the entire pub falls silent.)

Madame Rosmerta:  Not another one.  Who are they fighting over this time?

Hermione: If you must know— _(Ron stumbles in, his mouth full of bark and twigs.)_

Harry: Ron!

Ron: _(spits out twigs)_ What'd I miss?

Bill: _(giggling)_ They're dueling.  _(Bill passes out again.)_

Ron: Over wh—oh no, not me!  I'm flattered … I think …

(Harry and Hermione stumble to opposite ends of the pub.  Apparently, the pot hasn't worn off.  Sensing this, Ron decides to take their wands from them before they have a chance to protest; Ron is flattered by the attention but doesn't want one of his friends to go to Azkaban for murder and the other to be … dead.)

Hermione: _(as Ron snatches her wand) _Hey!  What are you doing?

Ron: I can't allow you two to duel over me with real weapons.

Hermione: Well, _smart one,_ if we don't have our wands I can't mortally wound and humiliate Harry!  What weapon am I supposed to use?

(Ron glances around the pub.  He sees broken liquor bottles, the sword collection, and two goblins.  He quickly vetoes all options.  Panicking, he spots Bill and Chaz, sprawled unconscious on the floor.  Presently the two older Weasleys are stripped of their slightly yellowed loincloths.  Harry and Hermione accept their weapons grudgingly.)

Hermione: (looking over at Bill and Chaz) Urgh!  I really didn't need to see that!

Harry: Actually, I find it strangely attractive.

Hermione: You would.

Harry: Oh, yeah?  Well, at least I don't kiss my Gilderoy Lockhart poster every night before I go to slee–

Hermione: Shut up!

Ron: You're still in love with Lockhart?!  How could you, Hermione?

Hermione: No!  I mean … that is … I hate you, Harry!…  Wait a minute.  How do you know I kiss my Lockhart poster?

Harry: (grinning) I snuck into your dorm room last week.

Hermione: What?!  You bastard!

Harry: You know, I've been getting that a lot lately.

Bill: (slightly slurred) Will you two just shut up and start dueling?  I've got a bet going with Chaz here.  Wagers don't just settle themselves, you know!

Chaz: (also slurred) Yeah!  Hey, why am I naked?

Bill: (looks down) I'm naked too, bro!  They must not have been able to resist our sexy charms and –

Ginny: Okay, okay!  Let's not go making any wild accusations.

Ron: Will you two (gestures to Bill and Chaz) shut up, and will you two (gestures to Harry and Hermione) just get this duel over wi– Ow!

(He is cut off by a small rock smashing into his forehead.  While Bill and Chaz were rambling, Hermione apparently snuck outside, picked up a few stones, and she is now using her loincloth as a slingshot.)

Hermione: Duel's started.


	3. Three

Whatever Happened to Canon?

Chapter Three

Scene Three

One second later

_(Ron furiously massages his forehead where the rock hit him.)_

Ron: Hermione, what in bloody Hell was that for?  The duel's _for_ me, not _with _me!

Hermione: I have bad aim, okay?  _(She picks up another rock and positions it in her loincloth.)_

Harry: Damn, why didn't I think of that?  Now I'll have to find something to do with my loincloth that's even more outrageous than flinging rocks with it!  _(to all)_ Hey, what's something I could do with this loincloth?

_(Everyone stares.)_

Ginny: Harry, for a perverted bastard you're pretty dense.

Harry: _(smacks head)_ Of course!  I _am_ dense!  Why didn't I think of this before?

(Everyone gasps as Harry quickly strips off his jeans.  Everyone gasps again when they realize Harry must really, really admire commandos.  Harry quickly puts on the loincloth and takes his belt out of his beltloops.)

Harry: Now I've got a whip! _(he conjures a cowboy hat)_ Look at me!  I'm Indiana Jones!

Everyone who has heard of Indiana Jones: What the –?

Ron: Who's Indiana Jones?

Harry and Hermione: _(to Ron) _Shut up.

Hermione: _(scathingly)_ That's it?  Bring it on!  Have at you, fiend! 

(Hermione continues to shout random phrases that everyone manages to tune out.  Meanwhile, Harry and Hermione start to circle  around Bill and Chaz's bodies.)

Harry: You know, all you had to do was admit that Ron doesn't love you.  If you truly loved me, you would have let me be with Ron!

Ron: Er … I don't think Hermione loves you, Harry.  No offense.

Hermione: (impatiently) Less yakking, more cracking.

Harry: I can tell you're into S & M.  Well – if that's the way you like it –

(Harry charges.  He leaps over Bill and Chaz and lands, unsteadily, right in front of Hermione.  Hermione desperately gropes for a rock to hurl and Harry unsuccessfully tries to whip Hermione; he does not realize that the "whip" is caught on Bill.)

Hermione: Die, you stupid bastard!

Harry: Fuck you!

Hermione: I'd rather not.  I'd rather screw – Ron?  What are you doing?

(Harry stops struggling with his belt and Hermione drops her loincloth.  Everyone in the pub looks over at Ron, who is standing next to a large Russian man.)

Harry: Ron, why are you and – and –

Ron: (strongly) Do you mean my new partner Vladimir?

Everyone in the room: Gasp!

Ron: Yes, Vladimir.  Harry and Hermione, your pointless bickering has disrupted this whole pub.  If I actually chose one of you, what would you do then? (sadly) Come on, you're my best mates.

(Harry giggles.  Ron doesn't hear him.)

Ron: I mean, how could I face manhood, knowing that I had caused one of you to come onto hard things?

(Harry giggles harder.)

Ron: So … I choose Vladimir.  I don't choose Harry, or Hermione, or Howie from the Backstreet Boys, or Pikachu.  Vladimir is the one I want to be with.  And with that … I bid you adieu.

(Ron leaps into Vladimir's arms.  They walk out of the now-silent pub.)

Harry: (wondering) How on Earth could Ron have known what a Pikachu is?

Hermione: Harry, you're really missing the point here.  Look – I'm sorry, okay?  I'm sorry we both destroyed all of our friendships over a boy.  Let's never do it again.

Harry: I'm sorry too, Hermione. (Hermione smiles.) Sorry that you can't hurl a rock to save your lovelife!

Hermione: Why you – AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHH!

(And so, Harry is chased out of the Three Broomsticks by Hermione.  They are never seen again.  Ginny Weasley becomes a nun – she was eager to find something that completely prohibited romance in any form.  Bill and Chaz died of alcohol poisoning in St. Mungo's.  Lavender picked up the habit of making out with trees.  And Madame Rosmerta continues to tell the story of the time when romance completely destroyed her pub – for a fee of undisclosed doings.)

The End.


End file.
